Happiness, like hell, is other people

Happiness, like hell, is other people. You'll find that your greatest pain, and your greatest joy, revolve around those who surround you.

This insight came to me just now, as i was looking back on the past few years. People, both new friends from high school, and old folks from wayyyyy back, have given me both. As ovbisous as it is, I feel like pointing out that friends really do define us. the number of those we consider "close", how those people act, how we affiliate our selfs with those we call friend, these all contribute to how we act, our confadeince and the like.

i, my self, really have only two people i really can say are close. I have alot of people I call friend, and i really do consider them to be a major part of my life, even if they hardly talk to me anymore. it is quite the stresser, and it's semi-depressing, to be forgotten. maybe I'm just not being assertive enough, maybe I'm just to submissive to voice my needs over those of people around me.
bleh, i'm rambling again.
jst though i'd share some insight

1st: a memoery

Fear is hard for children to fully comprehend. I’m not talking about the kind of fear one has of, say, failing a test. I mean Fear, with a capitol F. That communal feeling of terror that spreads faster than sound, faster then it is possible to measure. The fear that death and injury can strike at any time, or place, with no warning, that reduces friendly conversation to nervous small talk, with the participants look nervously around for the merest hint of danger.  I mean the kind of primal terror that makes the streets rank with Fear. The heightened awareness behind every eye. The kind of dread of being hurt, or your love ones hurting, that only those who have lived for a certain amount of time know.

This fear was present in London, England, July, 2005. The war that the UK was helping fight over seas in the Middle East finally came home to roost. On July 7^th, 2005, London was the victim of 4 terrorist attacks, 3 on the tube, during rush hour, and one on a double Decker bus, and hour later. That was the day I arrived in England for the first time. I was 11.

 Maybe if we hadn’t been having a lot of memorials back home right before I left, maybe I would have caught on earlier. Maybe if I had listen to what the people in the street were talking about in their hushed, nervous conversations, or glanced at the papers littered the streets, maybe I would have pieced it together. But as it would happen, I didn’t find out till the day we went to visit Hide Park, on July 9^th.

            It was a grey day. The sky the color of an old battle ship, grey, old and marred, as the clouds turned and twisted in the wind. Here and there the sun broke through the iron curtain, the contrast akin to my radiant, ignorant, smile among the dread filled faces of those around me. The grass and the leaves on the trees were a leafy green, and made me reminiscent of golden gate park. Unlike golden gate park, Hide Park radiated order. The tan, sand and dirt paths were neat and clear, the gnarled trees in tidy rows. But at the same time, the facts my mother had told me about the park weighted it down with history, both grim and cheerful.

 I was still a little sleepy, as I was still adjusting to the nine hour time difference, but happy.  My younger sister, Julia, my two cousins, josh and Alex and I were walking ahead a little bit of our grope. We were discussing a quiz show we had seen on English television the night before, called “The Weakest Link”, hosted by a cold and deadly serious, silver main hostess. “You are the weakest link, Good bye!!” we quoted, mocking the hostess catch-phrase dismissal of failed contestants. As we approached the center of the park, we stopped, so the rest of our group could catch up, as we were quite always ahead. We  observed a memorial service, attended by grim, sad faced men, mainly old, but a few were in their twenties, and a few women, some of whom were crying silently to them self’s as a old, weak faced man made a speech, in a quite sad voice I just quite couldn’t make out. Next to him were about fifteen easels, sporting reathed pictures, of happy looking people. “What do you think happened?” I asked my companions. We were silent for a moment, before my cousin Josh, the older of my cusions, spoke. “It’s probably because of the bombings,” he suggested. “what bombings?” I asked, surprised, as me and my little sister both glaced at josh. “Don’t you know? “ he retorted, as he glanced at me quizicly. Not wanting to have to deal with my cousins annoying habit of making me beg him for the whole story before telling, I rushed back to my parents. “Josh told me there were bombings, what happened?” I demanded of my parents. They shared a worried look, before explain to me the tragedy that had happened just two days earlier.  They explained that they didn’t want me and my sister to worry, and get really scared. As they explained this to me I felt that I should be scared, but I wasn’t. It was just…. something. I wasn’t hurt by the bombings, so I was confused as to why they would think I’d be scared. The rest of the day I glared at my parents for not trusting me, for thinking me a “scared cat”. But this quickly passed as I was submerged into the wonders of that forin land.

Now, years later, I look back on this time, a clear memory of innocence I no longer poses. I didn’t see the dread on the faces of the people, beck when I was 11. I just thought that’s just how things were. But now, remembering walking those path ways, walking the streets, I recognize the looks of fear and pain that plastered the faces of locals of London. Inocenses is as much a curse as it is a blessing. The more we proscue that witch we love, the more pain we are exposed to, and that experience of pain is magnifies our fears.

ok

tonight will be a night of recap and stuff

an interesting metaphor

a friend asked me why I've been writing all of these deep ideas, concepts and the like.
here's my answer.
i use this blog to help formulate some ideas that get stuck in my head.
but also for another reason;
I've been doing alot of thinking, and here's the best way to explain where i am in my life right now: i woulden't all this the morning of my life, rather about the "6am"like time. where every one is starting to wake up, some have gotten up earlier, some won't be getting up till 5 pm, and by then it will be far to late, and some will never wake up. I've been lying in bed since 4, and slowly becoming conscious, and thinking what i am going to do with my day. a few days ago i truly woke up, and currently i'm ling in bed, trying to finalize my day.

i really want to move to Canada

I'm fed up with this place, and by place i mean the USA.
the people dislike me. the government scares me. the tv disgusts me.

i forget where i found this, but it's inspiring

A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out...ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.
Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you... and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself... and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you - or didn't do for you - and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn't always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself... and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties... and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people... and you learn not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody's punishing you and everything isn't always somebody's fault. It's just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

when facing the impossible

all i ever wanted to do was to make every one happy.

so why am i sad all of a sudden?

"i guess he's an xbox, and i'm more atari, but the way you play your game ain't fair"

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiEIClZRU6I


also I've noticed since I've finished reading "Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance" I've seen the world in a completely new light. I've been able to think way deeper, and realize so much more. it's kinda crazy actually. and now i really want to talk philosophy with some one. if you're reading this post, go read this book. it will make you a better person(you guys are awesome already since you're reading this, but it will put you on par with Chuck Norris)

end of summer-start of school blog.

OK so yeah I've been pretty lazy with updating this thing, but I've been really busy between going crazy at the end of summer to being crazy at starting school.
but in this transitional period,and during summer too now that i think about it, I've been hanging out with awesome people I usually didn't hang out with during school last year, like Mimi, Jessy, and Otto. I've realized how deep they can be, and in this coming year of looking within, i think i'm going to value the insights of my friends even more then i have in the past. an that brings me to my next point:
this year i'm dedacating my self to learing, not just about what i have to for school, but from friends, enimes, and exprinces. i've stoped just gliding throught life, always thinking about the future, and instead am foucsing on THE MOMENT.
The realization that the immediate can tell you so much about the past and  future, that it's all you should focus on. i have a feeling that this year is going to be a good one.

"Once more into the breach, dear friends, once more"

Ok so school looks like it's going to be great.classes are awesome, i'm an upper upperclassmen now(wo-ho!) lol and I feel like I'm much more apt to deal with the work this year.
I had to drop us history honors to take Italian three, but thats fine, because I can still take the AP test at the end of the year.
I feel that as though I've grown a little more this summer. I was a bit of a spaz today, not going to lie, but i'm hopefully going to be fine by tomorrow. i feel good about this year, and i intend to get moving quickly very quickly.

conclusion

beer pong is fuun

a day of philosophizeing

today i had a long ass walk. the significance of such walks is that i end up thinking really deeply about the nature of the world we live in
the top aphanies that i had today:
that the arts are like a legend. they start with a simple tail, or story, or concept. and they are the truth. but with each retelling, each verbal recounting, the tale grows, and emphasizes the horrors of the tragedy, the greatness of the actions of heroes, and yet, they too are true

that people are like the stars and planets of the heavens. each one is different. some are balls of bright flaming gas, while other are frozen hell holes, while some are paradise incarnate. each is unique. but if you were to lesson the gap between them, make the hell holes more bearable, but paradise less so it is essayer to bring all of them further up. and their uniqueness will not vanish, but return tenfold with the advance meant of the whole

and yet at the same time, people are like French fries. some are awesome and curly and taste like heaven, some are gurby, mass manufactured and tasteless, while some , like home fries, appear to express the true nature of the fries, almost as to be entirely different. but fires are still fires, no matter what you call them, hide their flavor behind ketchup and other sauces, group them with hamburgers, cover them in yummy animal styleness, they are in the end: just fires, no more, no less

break ups are hard

you know i hate the endings of realtion ships the most, becouse i end up thinking it's all my falt, and that it's me. me me me. why do i alwasy fuck up the good bits of life? why when i sudenly have everything i ever wanted to i go and wreak it? i hate hate hate hate HATE my inner self for making me feel like i need to. gah fuck my life

4th july

well well well!
awesome sauce stuff happened.
it all started with waking up at 12:07 and realized that i said i was going to a picnic at 12 with Tiona and Gina and well to make a long story short it really didn't start till like 2, so i was only 20min late(i blame the bus).and we hung out at the park for awhile talking and eating, then it was getting hella cold and stuff, so we headed back to my place (it was the closest) and we Hung out and watch Alex reads twilight and other YouTube stuff. so like around 5 they both left, and i was just Reading when my home boy will called me up and we deiced to try to gather some ppls, and we kinda failed at that,so we ended up going to Eli and jay's party at like 12:00, and it was awesome. met this awesome girl called Kenrda, and we were playing apples to apples and lighting fire works and stuff; it was awesome.buttt Willem is a light weight and quickly got very drunk, much to the rest of our amusement.
he spent 1/2 an hour chasing Eli, trying to steal his pants.after awhile of randomne stupid stuff like this, i deiced it was time to take will back to my place so he could crash/recover. i enlsted Kendra to help he, and after an hour of threathing, pleading, and dragging willem we Finlay got him to my house, after tucking him in to bead, me and Kendra had this awesome 5 hour long conversation,gah it was great. i made eggs for all three of us, and then we spent like an hour at borders and shit. after that we all went our spreate ways.
it was awesome

mind over matter

ok so the reason i've not had a post in a while is partly cuz i've been really busy, but more becouse i've been in a fuck load of pain. aprently i have have something called acid reflex, where the acid in my stumech is coming up my asphogus, and that means, beside hurting all the time, when ever i drink or eat it feels like i've been stabed. yeah. it sucks. but now i'm on some pain meds and anti-acids, so i'll be fine(hopefuly) in about a week.
but while this has been going on, i've been thinking about one of my apiffany's from a while back-the idea of mind over matter. the idea that you can ignore pain, and push your self farhter then you should normaly go, by using your mind to block out pain, and wearyness. this idea has help my so much thorugh out my life, like this week with this painfull shit. i ignired the pain, for the most oart, i still couldn't eat or drink, but i could sleep a litle. the best usage of this concept is when your say, hiking.
a few years ago i did this INSANE 28.5 mile hike in upland yosematy, including clods rest and half dome, and all the way down to curry village, in a day. boy, i was not ready phiscly for that. but i kept on going, far past my normal stamina. i'm still amzied that i did it.
the power of the mind is an amazing thing...

another day, and yet more bad habbits i need to stop

OK so I've been really bad this summer about eating good and exercising. today i looked at myself just lazing around the house, and i felt disgusted. so starting Monday, I'm going hardcore. very little meat, if at all. running/gym/hiking every day. getting good sleep. and gaaaaa fucking keeping to my regime. That's the hardest part. but i think this week I'll be able to do that.
got my bro Aaron's birthday party this week, still got to get all the money i need. and people keep asking me why I'm getting him such an expense present. here's why: I've known him for almost six years, and for three of them he was my best friend. he's still one of best friends, and I feel like that deserve rs some rearward. good friends are hard to find. then he's the only one out of my whole group to acutely get me something despite that i didn't have a party this year. and Finlay, 16 is a big step for any teen, and should be acknowlged as such.
ga I'm rambling on.
going to get up at 6:45 tomorrow to watch the Italy match tomorrow so i better hit the sack.

ok so that was weird

lol this week has been great. yesterday particularity. after watching the mexico Vs France world cup game down at civic center with Rachel, we ran all over town, and messed with the obnoxious tourists. after i dropped her off at bart, i chilled at home before i went out with my bro and his buddies, and after using a bong, proceeded to get srsly fucked up. damn i was tripping so hard.
lesson Learned?
bongs.are.great!

whoaaaaa

ttttrrrrrrrpppyyyy
i'm sooo high=D for the firdsssst time!!!!!whoooaoaooaoaooaooa
qweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
omg it's like being in third person...
crazy shit homeyyy

"patterson your mom called, she says your a bum!"

today was pretttyyyy goooddddd. woke up pretty late, had lunch/brekfast, then i realized that i've been eating hella bad all summer, and now i'm like freaking out. lol. took my little sister to amobia, and bought a poster. then i found out that since my sis and mom weren't going to the base ball game tonightso i called up my buds Aaron and will. Aaron couldn't make it, so me and will and my fam+some extend fam saw watch the giants clober the Orioles 10-2.the best part of the game, or funniest i should say is the crowd hecleing the left filder, cory patterson. a old lady who clearly was a died hard had many funny heckles like the title.

GO ITALIA!!!!

damn, i hope this is just the beginning

today really began yesterday, so I'll start then. i woke up Early to help my mom move stuff out of her school to ma house for the Summer. then at 2 i met up with my gf downtown, and failed at find a movie we wanted to see, we got some drinks and sat outside the back of the faire building, looking over the bay, later we met up with willem, and proceeded to watch him get EXTREMELY messed up, much to our delight and enjoyment. we then proceed to go to the bonfire, and saw many awesome ppl there, like Mimi, Julianna, Ibolya, Chris wong, and many many other=D
after we left me and Rachel(my girl friend), hung out for a bit before i had to walk her to her grand parents house in the haight. from licion. loooong ass walk, and that was because the 71 stops running hella early like 11:30 or some shit. any way. i was to hipper to go home at that point, so after refueling at a 24 hour donut shop, i walked all the way from the haight to the top of twin peaks. and form there i watched the sun rise. it sucked doing it alone, so i've resolved to bring more ppls next time. i tried to do a vlog there but it was too windy and then my camera died.
didn't get home till like 6 in the morning. damn i'm tierd

the moment is pure. enjoy it

live in the moment. don't dewll on the past, for you'll lose track of here. suffering is only possible if you keep thinking about the pain. like a password, remember it when you need it. don't dwell on the future. almost nothing will turn out the way you want it, so don't set your self up for disappointment. instead, enjoy the here, the now, this scened.let go of the monkey-minded-fretting of the past and future. take in everything, the car's going past your building, the people talking in the other room. the sound of your typing. listen to the world, love each moment, for this only go's around once.

i hate being stuck in side/blogs are hard

today sucked pretty hard. i was stuck inside, pratly becouse i had to wait for my supervisor to responed to a phone call, in witch i asked to make a meeting to discuss my hours, and he said he'd call back and he didn't. And partly cuz i seem to unable to concet with the ppl i really want to chill with. but hey, what's new? I mean, yeah, i'm not the coolest/craziest person in the world, a bit annoying atimes, but really is am i that difrent form every one else?

Sorry forum/readers, but being stuck inside during summer dose this to me. And i'm ALWAYS free, and will prob have the drow.

Fuck, i'm ranting. Damn, this blog thing is hard.

it was a good day.

today was .. ok i guess. i work for my grandma( cuz she pays like 10 bucks an hour witch is really good), had a pych apointmint with one of ma shrinks, and have been chilling and stuff.

hmmm i wish i had some powerthrist to start off the day...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZyNBK6M6BQ&playnext_from=TL&videos=Z5aBYygJ2og

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRuNxHqwazs&feature=channel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-3qncy5Qfk&playnext_from=TL&videos=Bbd9n8wMRpY