Happiness, like hell, is other people

Happiness, like hell, is other people. You'll find that your greatest pain, and your greatest joy, revolve around those who surround you.

This insight came to me just now, as i was looking back on the past few years. People, both new friends from high school, and old folks from wayyyyy back, have given me both. As ovbisous as it is, I feel like pointing out that friends really do define us. the number of those we consider "close", how those people act, how we affiliate our selfs with those we call friend, these all contribute to how we act, our confadeince and the like.

i, my self, really have only two people i really can say are close. I have alot of people I call friend, and i really do consider them to be a major part of my life, even if they hardly talk to me anymore. it is quite the stresser, and it's semi-depressing, to be forgotten. maybe I'm just not being assertive enough, maybe I'm just to submissive to voice my needs over those of people around me.
bleh, i'm rambling again.
jst though i'd share some insight

1st: a memoery

Fear is hard for children to fully comprehend. I’m not talking about the kind of fear one has of, say, failing a test. I mean Fear, with a capitol F. That communal feeling of terror that spreads faster than sound, faster then it is possible to measure. The fear that death and injury can strike at any time, or place, with no warning, that reduces friendly conversation to nervous small talk, with the participants look nervously around for the merest hint of danger.  I mean the kind of primal terror that makes the streets rank with Fear. The heightened awareness behind every eye. The kind of dread of being hurt, or your love ones hurting, that only those who have lived for a certain amount of time know.

This fear was present in London, England, July, 2005. The war that the UK was helping fight over seas in the Middle East finally came home to roost. On July 7^th, 2005, London was the victim of 4 terrorist attacks, 3 on the tube, during rush hour, and one on a double Decker bus, and hour later. That was the day I arrived in England for the first time. I was 11.

 Maybe if we hadn’t been having a lot of memorials back home right before I left, maybe I would have caught on earlier. Maybe if I had listen to what the people in the street were talking about in their hushed, nervous conversations, or glanced at the papers littered the streets, maybe I would have pieced it together. But as it would happen, I didn’t find out till the day we went to visit Hide Park, on July 9^th.

            It was a grey day. The sky the color of an old battle ship, grey, old and marred, as the clouds turned and twisted in the wind. Here and there the sun broke through the iron curtain, the contrast akin to my radiant, ignorant, smile among the dread filled faces of those around me. The grass and the leaves on the trees were a leafy green, and made me reminiscent of golden gate park. Unlike golden gate park, Hide Park radiated order. The tan, sand and dirt paths were neat and clear, the gnarled trees in tidy rows. But at the same time, the facts my mother had told me about the park weighted it down with history, both grim and cheerful.

 I was still a little sleepy, as I was still adjusting to the nine hour time difference, but happy.  My younger sister, Julia, my two cousins, josh and Alex and I were walking ahead a little bit of our grope. We were discussing a quiz show we had seen on English television the night before, called “The Weakest Link”, hosted by a cold and deadly serious, silver main hostess. “You are the weakest link, Good bye!!” we quoted, mocking the hostess catch-phrase dismissal of failed contestants. As we approached the center of the park, we stopped, so the rest of our group could catch up, as we were quite always ahead. We  observed a memorial service, attended by grim, sad faced men, mainly old, but a few were in their twenties, and a few women, some of whom were crying silently to them self’s as a old, weak faced man made a speech, in a quite sad voice I just quite couldn’t make out. Next to him were about fifteen easels, sporting reathed pictures, of happy looking people. “What do you think happened?” I asked my companions. We were silent for a moment, before my cousin Josh, the older of my cusions, spoke. “It’s probably because of the bombings,” he suggested. “what bombings?” I asked, surprised, as me and my little sister both glaced at josh. “Don’t you know? “ he retorted, as he glanced at me quizicly. Not wanting to have to deal with my cousins annoying habit of making me beg him for the whole story before telling, I rushed back to my parents. “Josh told me there were bombings, what happened?” I demanded of my parents. They shared a worried look, before explain to me the tragedy that had happened just two days earlier.  They explained that they didn’t want me and my sister to worry, and get really scared. As they explained this to me I felt that I should be scared, but I wasn’t. It was just…. something. I wasn’t hurt by the bombings, so I was confused as to why they would think I’d be scared. The rest of the day I glared at my parents for not trusting me, for thinking me a “scared cat”. But this quickly passed as I was submerged into the wonders of that forin land.

Now, years later, I look back on this time, a clear memory of innocence I no longer poses. I didn’t see the dread on the faces of the people, beck when I was 11. I just thought that’s just how things were. But now, remembering walking those path ways, walking the streets, I recognize the looks of fear and pain that plastered the faces of locals of London. Inocenses is as much a curse as it is a blessing. The more we proscue that witch we love, the more pain we are exposed to, and that experience of pain is magnifies our fears.

ok

tonight will be a night of recap and stuff

an interesting metaphor

a friend asked me why I've been writing all of these deep ideas, concepts and the like.
here's my answer.
i use this blog to help formulate some ideas that get stuck in my head.
but also for another reason;
I've been doing alot of thinking, and here's the best way to explain where i am in my life right now: i woulden't all this the morning of my life, rather about the "6am"like time. where every one is starting to wake up, some have gotten up earlier, some won't be getting up till 5 pm, and by then it will be far to late, and some will never wake up. I've been lying in bed since 4, and slowly becoming conscious, and thinking what i am going to do with my day. a few days ago i truly woke up, and currently i'm ling in bed, trying to finalize my day.

i really want to move to Canada

I'm fed up with this place, and by place i mean the USA.
the people dislike me. the government scares me. the tv disgusts me.

i forget where i found this, but it's inspiring

A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out...ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.
Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you... and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself... and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you - or didn't do for you - and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn't always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself... and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties... and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people... and you learn not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody's punishing you and everything isn't always somebody's fault. It's just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

when facing the impossible

all i ever wanted to do was to make every one happy.

so why am i sad all of a sudden?